My post "Rent" thoughts

I got back a few hours ago from seeing the new "Rent" movie, but that's not what I want to talk about. FOr some reason, it reminded me of my feelings towards a certain Mike who I met in Cancun.

I think I'm pathetic at this point. How is it that someone who I met years ago and I haven't talked to in months have such an emotional effect on me!? I never even got to kiss the guy. I haven't seen him in a really long time, but I think about him still at least once a week. What I remember about him were his beautiful blue eyes and black hair. He had these cute freckles too, which for some reason were visible even in a dark club. They weren't very pronounced, but they could be easily seen. He's pretty short, but still taller than me. He's muscular, but not in a way that looks overbearing or intimidating. I'd go so far as to call his muscles more for show, and that they add to is overall cuteness. He has a slight lisp in his voice, which I find absolutely adorable.

I'm sick of it though. I'm sick of having him pervade my thoughts as often as he does. And it's been more than that recently. I wonder if I've confused him, or ruined him because I asked him if he was gay and filrted with him. It just really gets to me, because I couldn't help falling in love with him. I don't know how anyone could take one look at his beautiful face and not understand how I feel. From the second I laid my eyes on him, something happened to me. He was the first guy I've ever met who I liked so much that I didn't care that I was liking a guy. Before him, I hated myself for every feeling I had towards men. Before him, I wouldn't let myself like real, actual men who I could see and talk to in person. The only sexual experiences I'd had before then with guys is in my mind and on the computer, in dark hours with the shades drawn.

I hate him, because he doesn't or won't or can't feel for me the way I feel for him. I don't understand why it won't work. I've tried to convince myself that if I want it hard enough that it will just happen. I can't explain to anyone the way I feel. How do I tell people that I think I've already found my soulmate, and that he's utterly incapable of loving me? My friends tell me that I should get over it, and that I'm only 'in love with the idea of him.' I don't know what to say to that. Maybe they're right. maybe I am in love with some strange idea I have of him, that in all reality is not what he's like. But the thing is, I should have been able to find out! I should have been able to know if I was in love with him, or just an illusion I've made in my mind. Why can't I find out? Why do I have to wipe him from my mind and find someone else to fill the fucking void I have because I'm seemingly alone in the world? He was my shot. I would have given anything to be with him. Anything at all just so I could kiss him. I remember when I touched his face. I'll never forget how his shaved cheek felt against my hand. And also, how he got so nervous and looked around to make sure noone had seen me touch him in such a personal way. But the truth is, I want to touch him everywhere. All I want is to put my hands on every part of his body. I want to massage him, and feel his chest expand and collapse as he breathes. I want to lay on his stomach and hold his hand. I want to help him with his necktie as he's getting ready for work. I want to dance with him at clubs.

The worst part is I don't really even know who he is. I've seen only the tinyest little sliver of his life, and I don't know how to get any more than that, or even If I COULD. I really do think I'm pathetic for caring so much still that I felt inclined to write an entry about him. But i don't know what to do! I won't let myself love anyone else. I won't even let myself be totally attracted to anyone else. He's stolen my heart, and I want it back! I gave it away to him at a time when I had no idea who I was, and there was basically nobody else who knew me well enough that I could be myself. Our relationship back then was so simple. He was so cool to me, and he wanted my number when I was leaving the hotel. Why did he never call me back? What happened when he got home that kept him from ever returning my calls? DId someone say something to him about me? Did someone make fun of him for going to Cancun and bringing back a guy's number? But that's basically what happened. I thought about it later, and it's the only logical explanation. But fuck logic, fuck his friends, and fuck him. All I ever wanted to do was to love him. It's not fair, because I know I deserve the chance to do it. Maybe one day I will.